I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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