i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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