too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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