Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
