Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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