Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
