The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
