i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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