the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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