If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
