I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
