the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
