Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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