i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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