well most of my day revolves around power hour
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
