I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
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Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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