Swine flu is the new snow day.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
