i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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