so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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