Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
