i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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