I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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