So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
