and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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