they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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