i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
