I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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