don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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