guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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