I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
