Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
