found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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