my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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