Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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