what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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