And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
