"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
