Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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