I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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