I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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