so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Panties = found
Randomize
