drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
