He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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