Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
