I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
