The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
