Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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