saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
