I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
