I think my fart just growled at me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
