proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
